Flying

Beauty seems more beautiful.  Funny seems more funny.  Peace seems more peaceful.

My doctor has warned me that day 4 through day 11 after chemo are the days that the medicine will attack my blood with the most severity.  So I will be much more prone to fatigue, illness, and possible infection.  Today, day 4, I feel it slowly settling in, and yet at this moment, there is a hummingbird on my patio just a few feet away.

As I have said before, this "switch-to-pause" period in my life allows me the chance to see this hummingbird as such a marvel.  I wish I had his energy.  With the speed of those wings, he must have incredible pecs.

I am reading Robert Schimmel's book, "Cancer on $5 A Day, Chemo Not Included."  Although he is very positive throughout the book, this morning I read this. . . 

"I have been knocked down.  Nobody is a bigger fan of having a positive attitude than I am.  Yes, you can.  You have to believe.  You can overcome anything.  Well, yes, you can has at this instant been replaced by no, you can't.  Because sometimes you just can't.  There are practical issues.  And there are fantasy and reality.  You can't be fooled into thinking that anything is possible armed with only a positive attitude.  That may be the definition of insanity."

I absolutely agree with him.  However for me, a positive attitude is not striving for what I can do, or what I want to happen.  It is faith in knowing that what will happen is the best for me.

I don't know where that blessing comes from.  Perhaps it was my father (who always said, "It's a great day to be alive!") combined with my experience.  Possibly it is my 22 years of living with HIV, and surviving the plague when so many didn't.  I don't see death in my near future at all, however if I did, I don't see death as sad.  I have often told friends my philosophy . . . . "If indeed we believe that heaven is the ultimate party, and life on earth is just a stop at 7-Eleven on the way, then I want to get my chips and beer and get to the party."  I'm in no hurry.  The Slurpees are tasty and the crowd is amusing.

I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago that want to maintain my humor and attitude, but sometimes as pain sets in, it is difficult.  I don't switch over to a negative attitude, however I realize and accept that I must take a passive role for awhile and simply focus on my healing.  I'll look for gifts later like a kid looks forward to Christmas.

Most hair is gone now and it's difficult to look in the mirror.  But little baby Billy Bird is waiting to learn to fly again.

Healing.  Christmas.  Flying high.  (Good pecs)