Take Two Chuckles and Call Me in the Morning

It has been nine months since Dr. Richard Gould said to me, "I'm sorry, but the bone marrow biopsy came back positive for cancer. That means you are in stage 4 of lymphoma." I told him that just like all of life's challenges, this would eventually end up as a huge positive blessing in my life. But of course I was frightened. Frightened of the unknowns such as long term affects, pain, my career, insurance, treatments, support . . . an endless list of things I didn't even know to be frightened about.

Jump ahead very rapidly to nine months later and it's gone. Done. Where did it go so quickly? I now know the answers to the questions I didn't know to ask. Because of that, I want to dedicate a blog to newly diagnosed people. I know that more of you are reading now. More than anything else, had I asked these questions, no one could have told me the exact personal journey that I was about to take. For me, the biggest challenge of all became a commitment to make it like no one else's experience.  I made it personal.  It takes a bit of adjustment and acceptance, but then my personality and my passions kicked in.

I started to write again. I wrote about everything. I want to look back on this year and remember details. I want to remember exactly what I was thinking on any given day. And by writing, I could see the progression of my thoughts and my attempt to direct them onto positive paths. I took lots of photos. I posed in every wig I could find. I hugged a lot of people in pictures. I put them into three binders filled with artwork and fun colorful drawings. (Notice I avoid the word "scrapbook.") More than anything, I laughed.

When I was beginning my chemo, I had three types of questions . . . those I was afraid to ask fearing the answers, those I didn't know to ask, and those I was embarrassed to ask. I know now that all of them were valid and real, so I want to emphasize that there are no bad questions.

Questions I was afraid to ask:

Will I get really sick? Can I take care of myself or will I need help from others? Will I be able to work at all? Will I probably have to go to the hospital often? How do I tell my family? And of course, will I die?

Questions I didn't know to ask:

What are some of the side affects of the chemo? Are there foods I cannot eat?  Foods I should eat? How do we monitor my blood, which is so important for continuing the chemo? What does my insurance not cover? How do I apply for disability if I am eligible?

Questions I was embarrassed to ask:

What is chemotherapy and how is it administered? Will I lose my hair? How will people treat me? Will I get skinny? Will I look like I have cancer? (Mostly all the ego and self image questions.)

There's not enough space here to answer them, and many are personal and individual, so I won't begin. However if there is anyone who would like to discuss them, please contact me. It's why Billy blogs. I can assure you, my answers will lift your spirits.  

Your spirit is the best medicine you have.