Pump Up The Volume

This is my second week back at the gym. I should feel great about that. Yeah right. Here I am, skinny, pale, and just coming out of chemo, going to a gym in the middle of West Hollywood during the afternoon hours when all the actors and models are pumping up. I know this is the point in the blog where I should go into a deep and positive lesson about the beauty of what we have inside. To hell with that. I want to look like them!

I try to convince myself that most of these "actors and models" are actually hustlers and out-of-work wanna-be's, but who cares. They look great. I've always said that if you would or could trade places with someone, you have to take the entire person, you can't just take a part of them. OK. I'll still trade.

Many years ago, I wrote a silly little book called, "Gym Shorts."  It was one-liners that I overheard at the gym. These are a few of my favorite quotes. The first one was the impetus for the book. I heard it at the water fountain, wrote it down, and decided to start listening for others. So from the stair masters to the hair blasters, here are a few:

"Well he might have gotten so drunk that he threw up all over your sofa, but God love him, he brought a casserole."

"He actually told the salesman he wanted a sexual sofa.  The salesman said, 'You mean a sectional sofa.'  He said, 'No. I just want an occasional piece in the living room.'"

"She was lying curled up on the floor in a heap at the party, so I kicked her and said, 'Baby Jessica got sympathy, but she was younger, cuter, contorted, and bandaged.'"

"I've got to stop drinking so much Diet Coke. Someone told me yesterday . . . I don't remember who . . . that sacarin makes you forget stuff.'"

"The sign says 'Improper behavior will result in the loss of club privileges.' I thought improper behavior was the only club privilege we had."

(Pointing to a guy doing leg exercises . . . ) "Do I see a dangling participle?"  (Answer . . .) "Shut up or I'm gonna misplace your modifier."

"He's not just gaining weight, he's starting his own zip code."

"You should have your portrait done on the decline bench. All your wrinkles disappear."