What A Difference A Day Makes

I feel so much better today.  More energy and more alive.  I'm happy that I share my not-so-good experiences because it is a part of all of us.  I wouldn't be human if I didn't have down times, and it would be ludicrous for me to ignore them in my writing while I experience cancer.

But now I look out and see the bumble bees and hummingbirds enjoying the snapdragons and I'm back to my pollyanna self.  After a few years as a Disney writer, I guess I still see the world through the eyes of a princess. I promise I'll try not to put too much icing on the cupcakes.

I had a chemo treatment yesterday.  It was a long day because of a chest x-ray that was taken due to some breathing problems I have been having and a few fevers.  But all ended well and I got my treatment.

People are put in our lives at certain junctures amazingly at just the right times.  Part of my stress was feeling depressed about not knowing what is in my future.  I met two people on Sunday who are music writing partners;  Elaine Macaluso and Don MacBain.  Thus they formed "Mac and Mac Music."  They had heard me speak and gave me a CD asking me to listen to one particular song.

The song is "It's Not The Time."  It was very powerful to me.  Some of the lyrics include, 

"It's not the time to ask any questions

It's not the time to understand why . . . 

It's not the time to dwell in my sorrow

It's not the time for my soul to cry . . . 

It's not the time to think of tomorrow

It's not the time to learn how to cope

To look at your life, remember the laughter

Some comfort there, a glimmer of hope . . . "

                         copyright, Mac and Mac Music, 2007

                                 Music Macs Publishing

To put the song into perspective, Elaine wrote it last year for a friend of hers whose son had just been killed in an alcohol related car accident.  That affected me so much more when I reread the lyrics.  My problems are so small in comparison.

To hear the song, visit iTunes and type in "Mac and Mac Music, It's Not the Time."  There are two beautiful versions, one male and one female.  Please take the time to listen (even if "it's not the time").

And thank you so much for taking the time to listen to me.  I love getting your emails.

Keep It Real

I can't seem to conquer the fatigue.  It's day nine.  This is how I felt early in my treatments and I'm hoping it's not another infection.  I called my doctor this morning, but both he and his nurse are on vacation.  So I called the advising nurse with my insurance company.  I have not heard back from her yet.

This is probably normal for chemotherapy, and I can hardly complain about being tired.  It gets frustrating and a bit depressing to sleep all day when it is so beautiful outside.  There will be more pretty days.

Yesterday was my birthday, to throw another pity log on the fire.  I slept the entire day, but I was blown away by the number of people who called, emailed, and sent cards.  There is no doubt that I am blessed.  I never knew there were so many renditions of "Happy Birthday."  I even got flowers and cupcakes.  Thank you everyone.

Moving Forward

In the early 1990s, I was chairman of a fundraising organization for AIDS.  Part of our mission was also to offer grief seminars.  What I remember most from those seminars is that we often think we are grieving the loss of a loved one, or a job, or a divorce, but the reality is that we must also allow ourselves to grieve "the loss of our assumed future."  We cannot change what has just happened, but we can change the outcome in our lives.

The only thing that we can truly predict is that there will be changes.  Many of them will be beyond our control.  It's not really fair to naively say, "roll with the punches."  Anyone who might say that hasn't been punched too hard.  And most of the time, we Americans do not allow ourselves adequate time to grieve and process.  "Buck up.  Get back to work.  It'll get your mind off of it."  In most other cultures, people are allowed weeks off work for the death of a family member.  The usual time in United States is a week or less.

I recognize that I write often on this subject, but it is usually these new directions that are forced on us in life that redefine who we are and give us a new purpose.  It is not easy for many people to take risks and leap into new territory.  Sometimes they need to be forced on us.

As I look back on my life, my most difficult punches always lead to a new land of Oz that I had no idea even existed.  I would have never chosen to get the punches, like cancer, HIV, or being gay, but they are a part of this life for me, and once I grieve their arrival and move on, I choose to find the good in it . . . and there is plenty.  If nothing else, it gives me something to blog about.

Actors get their biggest applause from their most difficult roles.  Many high-risk company ventures become the most profitable.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained.  Blah blah blah.  We all have to learn that we can't really plan our futures.  Shit will happen.  

A nurse in the emergency room recently asked me to write a book and title it, "Bring It On, Bitch."

For Ray

When I was a freshman in college, one of my roommates was a small shy red-haired boy from central Indiana named Ray McCarty.  He was an only child and adopted by his parents later in their lives.  Ray was a brilliant Architecture student, continually amazing his teachers with his talent.  It was unusual for him not to work through the night even on the smallest projects.

I pledged a fraternity the first quarter of that year, and convinced Ray to rush in the Spring.  It was a major challenge for him because, like me, he was not outgoing, athletic, or a real stud . . . all the things fraternities are searching for.  And sadly to me, he didn't feel like it was a good fit in the beginning.

And then.

His pledge class had a talent show.  We kidnapped Ray and knotted his large red afro into tiny little ringlets, like Alfalfa in The Little Rascals.  Dressed only in a pillowcase and beads, he opened the show by performing and lip synching to "Lady Marmalade." ("Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir.") And Ray rocked the house!  I will always remember that there were many guys literally rolling on the floor laughing.  Instantly he was one of the gang.

Just a few months later, Ray got cancer.  He chose to stay at school studying what he loved, but he moved away from the fraternity.  A few of us would visit him from time to time, but we were uncomfortable, and I have always felt that we neglected him.  I saw him a week before he died, however his parents had a very private funeral and we weren't invited.

I have been praying to Ray a lot lately.  I pray for forgiveness and understanding.  I pray that he is designing beautiful buildings and receiving all the praise that he so justly deserves.  And mostly I pray that he still has that huge red afro bouncing to Lady Marmalade.

I'll never forget you, Ray.

Sleeping and Milking

It's been a long time since I have been this fatigued.  The chemo always hits me the Sunday and Monday following treatment, and this time it has hit with a nice little punch.  I have slept 12 hours the past two nights and much of the afternoon between.  I'm hardly complaining.  Being tired is not really anything to whine about.

I also got a bit of nausea yesterday.  I'm hoping it's not because I began the breast milk in my coffee.  ("Breast milk in my coffee, moo moo moo.  Skip to my Lou my darling.")  It actually did not taste bad at all.  I have been sent so many websites proclaiming its healing values.  Here is a short list of some of its medicinal uses:

• Pink eye - apply a few drops in the affected eye(s)
• Cold sore - apply and allow to dry
• Warts - apply and allow to dry
• Minor cuts, burns, scrapes - apply, allow to dry and bandage
• Stuffy runny nose - squirt a few drops in each nostril
• Sore cracked nipples - apply and air dry
• Ear infections - squirt a few drops in affected ear
• Insect bites - apply and the itching will go away
• Sore throat - drinking the milk will fight the infection
• Contact lenses - dry lenses or run out of solution?  Substitute the milk. It's sterile.

Now back to resting.

One Big Love Fest

It's 3:00 am.  I never sleep the nights after chemo.  I picture in my mind that it's because of a bright white healing light that is pulsing through my veins.  I realize that sounds like something you would tell an 8-year-old in a Disney movie (Has anyone in a Disney movie ever had 

cancer?), but it beats this reality check that comes with one of my drugs:

"Adriamycin is a cytotoxic anthracycline antibiotic.  As such, it is an antineoplastic and interferes with the growth of cancer cells.  It may cause unusual bleeding, lower back/side pain, or difficult urination.  Avoid contact sports, blogging, or other activities where bruising or injury could occur."

Oh well.  I will blog without bruising. . . 

Today (yesterday?) is a day I will never forget.  I got to have two of my sisters with me for the treatment.  They are both such a joy.  It was much more than a day at the hospital, but rather a day of telling stories and remembering.

My oldest sister, Cece, brought me the most amazing gift I have ever received.  She hand made a quilt out of my father's neckties.  The center panel is from my mother's wedding dress when they married in 1949.  I cherish the symbolism of them comforting me like a blanket of love.  In California, we can't hang much above our beds in case of an earthquake, and so this is the most perfect solution.  What better would I want to fall on me?

My sister Kathy got a call from one of her largest customers, The Kroger Company, and he asked her why she was in California for a month.  She told him that her company (Qwest) allowed her to come do her job here to spend time with her brother who has lymphoma.  He said he was so happy to get to do business with a company that would allow her to recognize what is important in life.

In exchange, I will always support Kroger (Ralphs in CA).  It's just one big love fest.  When I first mentioned on my blog that there would be so many gifts and blessings from this experience, I had no idea that it would end up being a feeling of joy as I shop for produce, because of their phone system.

TRUST

Everything we are can lead us to where we should be.  

If we trust it.

Most of my time last year was spent creating a new venture called "NEXT."  The company would design seminars across the country to assist individuals approaching a transition point in their lives.  Our mission would be to provide inspiration and guidance to those who are challenged to discover a new, meaningful and fulfilling NEXT career.

The business plan and financial projections were written with the concept of three-day retreats, however we became more focused on shorter, more intense one-day seminars.

I continually meet older adults who have left their successful careers for whatever reasons and know in their hearts that there is a new purpose for them.  And yet they are struggling with the discovery and transition of that purpose.  Baby boomers are still the largest segment of our population, and every day 8,000 of them turn 60.

Now after a few months of taking a hiatus, I struggle with the viability of such a company.  I know there is an audience, but I question most people's excitement or willingness to attend seminars. Websites and books are already in existence on the subject, but I feel strongly about a personal connection for this subject and participants' ability to discuss their feelings with others face to face.

Follow up is also vitally important.  Attendees need to continue to connect and ask questions, or browse career options or links to opportunities, paid and volunteer, in their own communities.

I am my own biggest client.  After four months of soul searching and writing, I recognize that my life has changed.  Once I jump from this restful nest, I trust that I will fly to new territories.  Key word, trust.  It's amazing the difference between the two words "trust" and "worry."  I know so very deep in my heart how difficult it is to absorb the first sentence of today's blog.

Creativity and Purpose

Last night I volunteered with my sister at a benefit to help raise awareness and money for a wonderful organization called "Picture Me Happy."  PMH brings cameras, computers, and crafts into hospitals to stimulate creativity among terminally and chronically ill children.  I feel a particularly closer bond to the mission now that I can relate to the families . . . and I look like the kids.

It is easy for me to sit and write about my life and my expectations, but it is very difficult for me to comprehend the pain of parents watching their child go through such suffering.  What could be more painful?  Searching for a positive side to that difficulty is almost impossible for me.

The founder of PMH told us last night about one of his first patients for this new nonprofit; a very young girl, curled up at the bottom of her bed with her fists clenched.  She was not communicating at all.  Within minutes of playing with a few Polaroid photos, she was up on her knees and smiling.

I started to cry as he spoke about the effects of creativity in the healing process.  It hit me right in the gut.  For much of my recent journey, the only task I have been able to accomplish is working in my journal . . . shooting photos, creating artwork, and writing.  It has brought me such joy and will be a cherished part of my life forever.  I can only imagine the lasting affects of such a gift to the parents of these children.   www.picturemehappy.org  

While at the benefit, I met a woman who retired in October.  In her words, she went from 1,000 mph to zero in one day.  I asked her if she was enjoying the zero, and her response was that it is only good for a very short time.  She has come to realize how much she loved the 1,000 mph.

Our world is a mosaic of tiny pieces that all fit into a beautiful mural.  This woman is searching for a new purpose, this organization fell into her path, and these children desperately need her skills.

Tomorrow I want to blog about finding new purpose, discovering new careers and how to search inside ourselves to create our futures.  Good stuff.  Stick around.  We'll be right back.

A New Appreciation

I want to enthusiastically welcome any readers from The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.  It was such a wonderful gift to be featured on their home page today.  They have been so very kind and gracious.

And it comes with perfect timing.  This past weekend, I have been contemplating a few new "Deep Thoughts" (for those of you who remember Jack Handey on Saturday Night Live).  If you are new to my blog, I would ask that you start with my first entry on April 1.  It is from those thoughts that all others seem to generate.

As I have mentioned, my sister is staying with me for a month.  We were able to get out this weekend to a house warming and a memorial service.  She suggested that I not wear my hat . . . a frightening consideration for me.  I took her suggestion, and I felt amazingly free.  For the first time, it was as if I was truly accepting and embracing my cancer.  And I have to say, I got a little satisfaction from all the people who wanted to touch my head.

I am so happy where I am in life right now.  Lymphoma has given me the opportunity to ponder that.  I no longer have many of the things that come with youth, and that's OK.  To replace those things, I have been given experience, knowledge, unbelievable friendships, appreciation for the important things, and the ability to look back at youth and smile.  The experience has brought me an exciting life, and it has brought me some difficult challenges.  You will hear me say this many times, they are always the beginning of the greatest blessings.  I would trade that any day for a day at the gym and a night at the clubs.

I sit here right now, quietly thinking, remembering, and appreciating.  Most everyone else is bustling around the office, taking conference calls, reading endless emails, and all the other everyday happenings at work.  I look forward to being back there again, but next time, I pray it will be with a new perspective.  A new appreciation.  Life goes by so quickly.  I want to enjoy every minute.

Doctor's Thoughts

So I'm like, um, sitting in my chemo session yesterday, and like I asked the, um, doctor, "Why am I getting this totally fat, not phat, protrudenous tummy?"  He explained that one of my chemo meds causes fluid to build up in the stomach while making the arms and legs get very skinny.  OMG!  That's me.  Just picture in your mind how attractive that is.  Kind of like the Sun Man in the jimmy Dean commercials.  Or once again, exactly like the baby bird in the photo to the right.

So I just keep remembering what Glenn Close said, "Vanity and happiness are incompatible."  That little bird has no idea that it is anything but perfect, and one day soon, it will fly.  And I am as happy as I have ever been, knowing I too will fly again soon.

Other little tidbits that my doctor has told me:

Although reports show that cancer is declining in this country, most oncologists report a very big increase in cases.  He believes it is due primarily to our eating habits.  He says that many foods we think are good for us, like milk, are pushed on us politically.  In most other countries, adults don't drink milk.  By nature, it is only for the very young.  But in this country, milk is the sacred cow (so to speak) and not to be disputed.

The B vitamins, particularly B-12 and B-4, are underestimated and are the best vitamins for our immune systems.

He said that he believes the only way that there will be any type of health insurance reform in this country is if doctors take the lead by striking (meaning they would only work minimal hours or in emergency situations, and not accept any new patients).