So I made a cup of coffee and decided to flip through my journal from the past year just to see if there might be material for advancing my very early stage of considering a book.
Wow. I wasn't expecting the emotion that came with that. I only got through my writings about the early tests, the diagnosis, and my first chemo treatment. Maybe it's too soon to go back.
As I have tried many times to convey, the emotions are not sad. Each moment, each hour, and each day were filled with so much love and strength and learning. The difficult part for me today is the realization that this was the most powerful year of my life and it's ending. Like a football game, I could have won or lost, but as long as I played with passion and tenacity, it didn't matter. Winning just made it all the sweeter.
How can I convince myself that the game might be over, but the season is just beginning? Why can't I continue that passion? Maybe I've just gone through training and I'm not even in my first game yet.
No matter what I type, it sounds like a bumbling mess. I've got to come up with some way to try to communicate this feeling, and I'll tell you one thing for sure . . . football is not the answer!
Last night in bed, I asked myself the question, if I could repeat this past year, would I? It took lots of thought. One of the blessings of the human mind is that we forget pain and remember joy. I remember waiting for several hours in the emergency room on February 6th, but more vividly, I remember laughing so hard as the nurses danced around my gurney. I remember being sad and lonely in the hospital on the 4th of July, but more than that, I remember the harpist who played "Oh Danny Boy" for me that night.
A harpist, dancing nurses, costumes for chemo, family who visited and cooked and cleaned, friends who called every day, and my head painted like an Easter egg. That's what I remember. Who wouldn't want to repeat all of that? Who wouldn't wish that every year of his life could be filled with such intensity?
So why am I crying right now? It's not at all about sadness. It's all about the beauty of life.
4 comments:
Beautiful post.
I think it's really hard to go back and write about it for the purposes of a book, because then you are putting yourself right back in. Before we "met," I wrote a post called Remembering is Like Reliving: http://runnerwrites.blogspot.com/2008/09/remembering-is-like-reliving.html
I began my book before my cancer and so it has just become another chapter in my life. Not defining me, but molding me as life experiences do. As odd as it might sound, I'm a better person for having cancer. I see things much clearer, I love deeper, laugh harder, and give more. I say write that book, share your story!
Peace
B
http://beyondtheglassdoor.blogspot.com/
Bill, a thousand things are going through my mind in response to your blog, but I'll only give you a few.
It takes time. There is no emotional switch. You'll figure it out. After an intense emotional powerful year, you feel like you should be able to move on, but you can't.
You will never be the same or look at things the same way as you did before this year. In my heart I know that because of this year and all that you have been through you will do something amazing. I heard you talk about this year and how you are blessed. Well, blessings are not over.
Elaine
Moving words, indeed. Thank you.
We've all come a long way.
Carl
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