The Today Show did a story about the Chicago post office offering letters to Santa for the public to come read and fulfill the requests. I cried at the generosity of strangers and the heartfelt intensity of the letters.
My young twin nieces showed up for our family Christmas dinner after being away for a long time. Guess what? Uncle Bill cried.
Why does Uncle Bill still have this lingering side effect from cancer that makes him cry every time his heart is touched? Obviously it is better than other side effects, but it's the only one that he can't hide. Of all the pains to remain, it's the strain of the pain with the most shame to refrain.
And then I think about it. It is not a side effect of cancer at all. It's a side effect from a heart that swelled last year to many times its previous size. Why would I want it to shrink again? I'm probably stuck with this side effect.
I remember that tears were abundant after chemo, or when I was very fatigued, but I have had plenty of sleep lately so now the excuses are gone. I have to blame them on lessons learned. Good lessons. And if I reread the first part of this blog, I was crying when I was 6, so maybe things haven't really changed that much.
Over the years, people have offered different theories for why we cry. I believe them all. It is a cleansing of our psyche, one person told me. It is the truest form of courage, another said. (I'm not sure I understand that one.) And another friend explained that we cry to flush away pain. But of all the explanations, I love my father's the best. When I was a child, he told me that when we get a lump in our throats, it is love solidified in our bodies.
That's what my crying has been all about recently, and all of this year. Not my psyche. Not courage. Not pain. Pure and simple Love.
2 comments:
Bill, you have started the year with yet another wonderful blog. I am sitting here thinking about why we cry. From happiness? From sadness? It is different reasons for different people. My daughter Jennie's boyfriend, Elliot grew up in two separate households because of divorce. In his philosophy class last semester, the students were all asked to talk about their best Christmas memory . Elliot said that his best Christmas ever was with his girlfriend and her family taking him to the Dicken's Fair last December. That made me cry like a baby.
Happy New Year!
Elaine
One of your best writings ... I think it will be apropos to so many folks. I cry. I can get choked up while talking in front of an audience. Most of my tears are out of love ... seeing someone get a wonderful surprise they did not expect ... seeing the love a child can display not even knowing what love is! Love your comment about getting "choked up" and what that means. Off to a good start for 2009 ... thanks!
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